The journal lets you write about a day from your life.
The photo on the left shows what Jeff Harris was doing on that day.
December 19, 2009
This is what I am thinking about: On April 5, 2007, my boyfriend wrote on this journal. He wrote about riding his bike, being hit by a car and forgoing medical treatment. What he didn't write about was how I helped him get that needed treatment, and how I cared for him in the weeks afterward. Also, he forgot to mention coming home after x-rays and flirting on MySpace with a woman he had cheated with in 2001. Last year at Christmas he left me. I guess some people will do whatever they want just because they can.
December 16, 2009
My much-loved, 11 year old dog just made it through her 5th surgery on her remaining eye... I'm so relieved!
September 30, 2009
I deleted you as a friend from Facebook today, seven months after you so cruelly and callously ended our relationship over the phone from the other side of the country. I've realized that sometimes you have to let go of the good things in life to make room for the great things. This is only the start of the great things.
September 21, 2009
Found out I have an under-active thyroid. I thought I was just depressed and unhealthy. I kept trying to exercise regularly but was so physically exhausted I would just give up. I start thyroid replacements tomorrow. I feel so relieved and hopeful.
September 13, 2009
I watched as my friend crossed the finish line after walking 60k in the Weekend To End Breast Cancer. She was part of raising 11.6 million for the cause. I am so proud of her!
September 12, 2009
It's 4:37am in Halifax. I've been awake since 3:35am. I have to get up to bake 175 croissants, (of varying sorts), to sell at the Dartmouth Farmer's Market. My table is next to this Mennonite Family - Ben and Anna. They have 14 grandchildren even though they look younger than my parents.
September 3, 2009
Today, nearly nine months after his diagnosis, I lost my Dad. 220 days after I lost my Mum. Two standouts thoughts are: how the fuck they got the diagnosis wrong and the prognosis right? And that at his graveside after we watched him lowered in with Mother's, someone said "well, he's with her again and so we can safely say he's the only one round here that's happy today".
August 29, 2009
I'm finally divorced and I don't miss him one single bit. This is my first weekend without my son and I'm dying to hug him. I suppose I will get use to the days he is not with me. My ex-husband misses me still, but I never want to see him again.
July 27, 2009
I was going to send you an e-mail. I spent hours composing it, and then saved it to my desktop as "bad idea" instead.
July 7, 2009
One year has passed by already. I'm so thankful you're at peace but I still find myself wishing you were here for me to ask questions of and share stories with... What I wouldn't do to have another five minutes with you, to hear your favourite terrible jokes just one more time. It was a bittersweet 28 years - yet its striking that I only remember the good times now. Funny - how life is... Love you, Dad.
May 26, 2009
I was sitting beside a hospital bed, holding the hand of my sister. It was odd, this switch of roles. When I was throwing up everything I ate due to chemo, she would hold my hand and sit with me, watching me sleep, playing Monopoly when I could sit up, and playing 'I Spy' when I couldn't turn my head. Now, I was holding her hand, watching her waste away from the disease I overcame. She looked at me through her tears, and asked permission to stop hurting. I kissed her through my tears, and told her to fly with the angels. I curled up beside her in the bed, amidst the tubes and lines and monitors, and wrapped my arms around her. 3:58... 3:59... 4:00... my beautiful sister went home to God.
May 22, 2009
Today, on mission in Rwanda, I rediscovered one of the most moving and insightful comments I have ever read: "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins. It's been a fucking tough six months.
May 18, 2009
I was so worried that something happened to him. I called him, and no reply. He went hiking and it started pouring hard - he had to climb down from a bridge. I sat on my couch for at least an hour, scared that I would lose him. I waited for his call, going out of my mind. Instead, he texted me to say he was ok, and "have a good night". I looked at my phone and started crying... I cried the whole night. Not worthy of a phone call to comfort me, but of a quick text. And dismissed....
May 10, 2009
Today i found that giving up really is the only way to move on, because I never wanted to let him go. I never wanted to stand up and be on my own, because being with him was the only thing that made me happy. Knowing I would see him soon or get a quick call, but now times have changed and he doesn't have the heart for me anymore. I've erased every trace that ever mattered, my heart may not heal for a while but it's better than being used and feeling the worthlessness he inflicted. The countless times he said he'd be there and didn't show, or the calls I waited up for that never came, the apologies and promises. The way I just desired the love to be returned, or appreciated. So today, I seek redemption in any other form. I'll stand alone and take my chances on the world, wish me luck and happiness. That's all I ever asked for..
May 6, 2009
Nearly a year ago to the day, I sat in this same Chili's restaurant in this airport, this time over by the window with a thesis nearly finished, and my heart broken because of you. I reflect on all the changes, the opportunities, the places that I took myself. I no longer live in the shadow of your life waiting for those three words that never came. When I left, I knew things would never be the same again... I knew I would outgrow you. To Yokohama, days, nights, water, countries. Life happened, I changed so much, learned, felt, grew, listened, and heard. When Sonja asked me that day on the ship what I was looking for in a relationship, I said I want a man who loves me. I now know that even if you had, that just isn't good enough. And now? New friends, new opportunities, new admirers, new life. So many changes, and you remain stagnant. My plane is pulling out of the gate in London as I write this on my way to Sweden and Denmark, as I wonder where the next few days spent with my new boy, this boy who treats me like a queen, will take me... I don't know where I am going, I just know now that wherever I am headed, it's better because and in spite of the fact that you so cruelly pulled my world out from underneath me.
May 3, 2009
What a day. My daughter entered the world. Madelyn was born at home, with no drugs, by my incredible wife and the help of our wonderful midwives. If you ever get invited to witness a birth, accept that offer, pull up a chair and watch incredible feats beyond your wildest imagination!
April 29, 2009
Today I was diagnosed with breast cancer.
April 25, 2009
I watched a storm blow in today. I just sat on a bench with my face to the sky and watched as it moved toward me. The air was charged and I felt completely alive.
April 12, 2009
I hurt.
April 6, 2009
People keep telling me he's just not there yet, he isn't ready yet, he hasn't figured out that he loves me yet. Fuck this YET bullshit. I can't live waiting for yet to be over. I'm moving on and moving up, surrounding myself with people who love me, friends who support me, and men who can see how amazing I am. He is emotionally retarded, and I lived for a year and a half praying in the back of my mind, constantly, that he would one day love me. Never again. I know now that men like that never change. How blind we can be when we wish more than anything that we could hide the truth. How naive. Never again.
April 3, 2009
I think I landed a place to live tonight... (fingers crossed). It's funny how a desperate situation can turn exceptional and blissful. The city is new again, and there's nothing like a whisky to toast to fresh beginnings!
March 16, 2009
I thought it would be much harder than it was to fuck some guy I barely knew in his car in a park tonight. I thought it'd make me sick, having another man touch me like you used to before you decided that I'm not The One for you. I'm still in love with you, but I won't waste my life waiting for you to realize that you always did love me back.
March 3, 2009
I ate too much chocolate today, and got the jitters. Four years ago I didn't even like chocolate and never ate it. I heard once that every eight years all the water in your body changes and so you acquire new tastes.
February 16, 2009
Today is the ambiguous, but not Hallmark-ified holiday, "Family Day". I am alone, I am my family. Ironic that Family Day falls in the same week as "Valentine's Day". Today, I am faced with the fact again that I don't have the child that I long for the, the person that I long to share that child with, and that time is running out. I wonder how long it will take Hallmark to come out with a "Happy Family Day" card so that I will feel even more insignificant for being so alone?
February 6, 2009
I got engaged today! He proposed to me at my favourite place on earth - Disney World. Under the fireworks at Epcot, in front of France. I'm so excited, and terrified at the same time...
February 2, 2009
I lost my job today. It wasn't a big surprise. They called me in, and told me, and asked me to leave right away. After the initial shock wore off, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I hated that fucking job.
January 30, 2009
I feel lonely a lot lately. Like I have been left behind but no one notices. Everyone seems to have someone, a career, their own place. I am still alone, in school, living at home. I feel left behind.
January 22, 2009
Making tea, at home and working on my last collage. Listening to good music, the light is beautiful, the downstairs is clean, I'm all bundled up in a scarf with the space-heater on. I have 23 more hours to get this collage done and then my show is the next day!
January 16, 2009
I awoke earlier than usual to a freezing cold house. The power in much of the city had gone out the night before but Kari and I had managed to sleep well under the flannel sheets but the air outside was getting uncomfortable. Fortunately our good friends Adam and Lisa helped us to stay warm by offering us shelter in their house north of St. Clair.
January 13, 2009
Today I got part of my GCSE results back from a recent examination for maths! Guess what... I failed like normal.
January 11, 2009
I had the great fortune to participate in a traditional Salish sweat lodge in the rain forest of British Columbia. Very strong medicine! Hot hot hot the glowing stones, the hiss of the steam, the chanting, the drumming and the feeling of oneness. The residual effect was calming and a powerful sense of being at peace with the world.
January 10, 2009
I have to make a decision to have a lumpectomy or take my boob off. I am still in denile I think. I am trying to keep to my daily routine and keep things up like cleaning my apartment. I have tons of laundry to do and I hate laundry. I am busy finding poems to enter a contest, and finish other writings to put out there. I listened to Olivia Newton John's "A Celebration In Song" - it is great, Jann Arden is on it, Amy Sky too. Olivia is my inspiration to get through cancer, so is Gloria Estefan who went through such a hard time after her accident. Her CD 90 Millas is great. I have to do what I love and enjoy my life before it gets to serious in February with an operation. Dance, sing, laugh, be with people and do what you have to. Stick with positive people, do good things, live life, it makes you get real and do what you want to do NOW.
