The journal lets you write about a day from your life.
The photo on the left shows what Jeff Harris was doing on that day.
June 9, 2010
I woke up in a good mood and spent the rest of the day trying to figure out how this happened.
June 8, 2010
Baby spills coffee on Kathy's laptop. she wants a new one! But I gotta fix her car, buy her a vocal processing unit and fix her amp. The kittens are sick. Chameleon likes it in the bush and doesn't leave. Thieves steal mangos at night. The cook's kids are ill. Son's head is swelling!! Take him to the hospital. The kittens crap on sofa and the maids refuse to clean. Oh well...
May 28, 2010
I joined Alcoholics Anonymous just over a month ago, and it's the best thing I've ever done.
May 26, 2010
I lost my job today. That's not sad news - I never really liked it. What's bugging me is that I'm only four days removed from my 26th birthday and I haven't accomplished anything in my life. Here I am faced with yet another opportunity to do what I love. Yet I'm afraid. My nagging fear of failure is rivaled only by my crippling fear of success.
May 9, 2010
I'm in another country, it's fifteen months since I lost Mam, eight since I lost Dad but every time I go on mission I get too much time alone and it comes back. And I'm tired of feeling loss. And I feel guilty for saying so. I'm so lucky its only four more days 'til I'm back with my girls.
May 1, 2010
Today I just found this interesting website, and unexpectedly found a piece written by the guy I have a crush on. I'm just glad that he showed up this afternoon in our STATS computer room. I know he definitely doesn't like me, well, not in that way I hope. But he has EVERYTHING you would want a guy to have... "Smart, sexy, cute and funny." Also cool, talented, and not that sociable. He even has my favorite way of men's dressing, including his bracelet. For quite a long time in my life, I seemed to stop having such kind of strong feeling for a guy. I mean, I'm kind of scared. Particularly in this moment... We've almost done with our STATS project. It's a beautiful day. I'm hungry now. I just can't stop thinking of him. I feel sad.
April 6, 2010
It's almost over, Joe... I cannot wait until I am able to move on from you. I cannot wait until I am able to burn my thoughts of you. I need to feel that I deserve love and respect from a man who loves me. I am hurting... and I am trying to keep it together because I know I did my best and loved you. I won't have regrets or what ifs... but I will always wonder what made me stay. It is because I thought deep down, you loved me too. Goodbye, Joe.
March 16, 2010
I came back to see your website. I haven't visited in years. I am saddened by what I see and I send one million powerful prayers & mantras to the universe for you. I want your site and message to spread to the masses for all to understand. When I first came upon your site in 2003, I did not know until a few months later that I would be dealing with cancer too, but you and your site were burned into my mind and I have never forgotten you. I don't think I ever will. The best of everything to you. Refuse to let it be the reason!
March 15, 2010
Today is my second wedding anniversary, and I'm still waiting for my immigration papers to come through so that I can move to the U.S. and finally live with my husband. It's been a long, frustrating road, but we're almost near the end, and he's worth the wait.
March 9, 2010
Good news. Finally. Me and D moved into our new home today. We bought *real* furniture for it. No more college furniture picked from the dumpster! It is really a home that we made for the two of us. We finally mustered the courage and told my mom we were moving in together. And surprisingly she gave us her blessing. I now live 30 odd miles from her and I feel liberated and happy in way I never have for the longest time, even when I was living 300 or 3,000 miles away from her. And the greatest news of all- that insidious disease Bulimia that has plagued me for the last 9 years finally went out the back door. I will never open that door again.
February 16, 2010
I have always wanted to be a writer. Tonight in the quiet hours of the night I wrote one chapter. It's far from being polished but I did it. The character began to take shape, the scene was developed, the words flowed freely and most of all there wasn't a nemesis on my shoulder. Rather than use my computer I wrote it out by hand. I wish creativity would flow like this all the time. My belated grandmother is my inspiration. She and I had a close relationship. After almost 18 years since her death I still miss her. A few months before she died I went home to see her as she was in the hospital. I was shocked by her frailness. What was more shocking though was her disinterest in reading. I knew then that she was preparing for death. Before I left she touched my cheeks and said "I love you more than you'll ever know". When I feel unloved or self-loathing I try to remember these words. If my novel ever gets published I will dedicate it to my grandmother, Verna Carr.
February 14, 2010
I read a past post of what I felt about you. I am sad and pathetic. You are, and have always been selfish, conceited and you never really cared about anyone else but yourself. How many times did I attempt to walk away, but got fooled by your guilt? I am a strong woman but somehow I wasted a year and a half of my life with you. All I was was hopeful. I am done with you. Get away from me.
February 3, 2010
I flew back to my home country today to say goodbye, from Guatemala City, on a last minute flight. The next day, they turned off the machines, and you slipped away. All those years you ignored us, cut us from your life without explanation-- I forgive you. 26 years old, this shouldn't have happened, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
January 28, 2010
Talked with my husband this morning who is working out of town. Thank God for cell phones! In our 30 years of marriage, I don't think we've ever had this much to say to one another. Being gone for about two weeks at a time, it's given each of us a greater appreciation for one another. All those things we take for granted that we both do for one another has been brought to light: he's having to shop, cook his own meals, make his bed, etc. I have to keep the house running, and found that running the monster snow blower, and cleaning the stove pipe can be done, but not the easiest of tasks. Just wanted to say that I love my husband, and miss him dearly while he is away, and yet his absence has made our hearts grow fonder and with greater appreciation for one another.
January 7, 2010
I said yes to my boyfriend's proposal. I was at home missing him and he just came around to ask me if I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life; I said YES.
January 1, 2010
I dont know what to feel anymore... I love her but I yearn for him... does that make me a bi?!
December 19, 2009
This is what I am thinking about: On April 5, 2007, my boyfriend wrote on this journal. He wrote about riding his bike, being hit by a car and forgoing medical treatment. What he didn't write about was how I helped him get that needed treatment, and how I cared for him in the weeks afterward. Also, he forgot to mention coming home after x-rays and flirting on MySpace with a woman he had cheated with in 2001. Last year at Christmas he left me. I guess some people will do whatever they want just because they can.
December 16, 2009
My much-loved, 11 year old dog just made it through her 5th surgery on her remaining eye... I'm so relieved!
September 30, 2009
I deleted you as a friend from Facebook today, seven months after you so cruelly and callously ended our relationship over the phone from the other side of the country. I've realized that sometimes you have to let go of the good things in life to make room for the great things. This is only the start of the great things.
September 21, 2009
Found out I have an under-active thyroid. I thought I was just depressed and unhealthy. I kept trying to exercise regularly but was so physically exhausted I would just give up. I start thyroid replacements tomorrow. I feel so relieved and hopeful.
September 13, 2009
I watched as my friend crossed the finish line after walking 60k in the Weekend To End Breast Cancer. She was part of raising 11.6 million for the cause. I am so proud of her!
September 12, 2009
It's 4:37am in Halifax. I've been awake since 3:35am. I have to get up to bake 175 croissants, (of varying sorts), to sell at the Dartmouth Farmer's Market. My table is next to this Mennonite Family - Ben and Anna. They have 14 grandchildren even though they look younger than my parents.
September 3, 2009
Today, nearly nine months after his diagnosis, I lost my Dad. 220 days after I lost my Mum. Two standouts thoughts are: how the fuck they got the diagnosis wrong and the prognosis right? And that at his graveside after we watched him lowered in with Mother's, someone said "well, he's with her again and so we can safely say he's the only one round here that's happy today".
August 29, 2009
I'm finally divorced and I don't miss him one single bit. This is my first weekend without my son and I'm dying to hug him. I suppose I will get use to the days he is not with me. My ex-husband misses me still, but I never want to see him again.
July 27, 2009
I was going to send you an e-mail. I spent hours composing it, and then saved it to my desktop as "bad idea" instead.
July 7, 2009
One year has passed by already. I'm so thankful you're at peace but I still find myself wishing you were here for me to ask questions of and share stories with... What I wouldn't do to have another five minutes with you, to hear your favourite terrible jokes just one more time. It was a bittersweet 28 years - yet its striking that I only remember the good times now. Funny - how life is... Love you, Dad.
May 26, 2009
I was sitting beside a hospital bed, holding the hand of my sister. It was odd, this switch of roles. When I was throwing up everything I ate due to chemo, she would hold my hand and sit with me, watching me sleep, playing Monopoly when I could sit up, and playing 'I Spy' when I couldn't turn my head. Now, I was holding her hand, watching her waste away from the disease I overcame. She looked at me through her tears, and asked permission to stop hurting. I kissed her through my tears, and told her to fly with the angels. I curled up beside her in the bed, amidst the tubes and lines and monitors, and wrapped my arms around her. 3:58... 3:59... 4:00... my beautiful sister went home to God.
May 22, 2009
Today, on mission in Rwanda, I rediscovered one of the most moving and insightful comments I have ever read: "Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live" - Norman Cousins. It's been a fucking tough six months.
May 18, 2009
I was so worried that something happened to him. I called him, and no reply. He went hiking and it started pouring hard - he had to climb down from a bridge. I sat on my couch for at least an hour, scared that I would lose him. I waited for his call, going out of my mind. Instead, he texted me to say he was ok, and "have a good night". I looked at my phone and started crying... I cried the whole night. Not worthy of a phone call to comfort me, but of a quick text. And dismissed....
May 10, 2009
Today i found that giving up really is the only way to move on, because I never wanted to let him go. I never wanted to stand up and be on my own, because being with him was the only thing that made me happy. Knowing I would see him soon or get a quick call, but now times have changed and he doesn't have the heart for me anymore. I've erased every trace that ever mattered, my heart may not heal for a while but it's better than being used and feeling the worthlessness he inflicted. The countless times he said he'd be there and didn't show, or the calls I waited up for that never came, the apologies and promises. The way I just desired the love to be returned, or appreciated. So today, I seek redemption in any other form. I'll stand alone and take my chances on the world, wish me luck and happiness. That's all I ever asked for..
May 9, 2009
Yesterday, I had a phone call from my brother that my dad fallen off the treadmill the day before. My brother kept describing how bad his injury was but I did not believe him for my own reasons. His wounds got infected so he had to go hospital for treatment. I saw his wound for the first time today when I was cleaning them to put a new bandage on. I could see the pain in his face and I could feel his body shaking from its core. His knees are red and swollen, extracting yellow liquid. He barely can walk these days but I still thank god that he hurt his knees, that it's not a brain damage neither spinal injury.
May 6, 2009
Nearly a year ago to the day, I sat in this same Chili's restaurant in this airport, this time over by the window with a thesis nearly finished, and my heart broken because of you. I reflect on all the changes, the opportunities, the places that I took myself. I no longer live in the shadow of your life waiting for those three words that never came. When I left, I knew things would never be the same again... I knew I would outgrow you. To Yokohama, days, nights, water, countries. Life happened, I changed so much, learned, felt, grew, listened, and heard. When Sonja asked me that day on the ship what I was looking for in a relationship, I said I want a man who loves me. I now know that even if you had, that just isn't good enough. And now? New friends, new opportunities, new admirers, new life. So many changes, and you remain stagnant. My plane is pulling out of the gate in London as I write this on my way to Sweden and Denmark, as I wonder where the next few days spent with my new boy, this boy who treats me like a queen, will take me... I don't know where I am going, I just know now that wherever I am headed, it's better because and in spite of the fact that you so cruelly pulled my world out from underneath me.
